wonderment of befuddlement

Don't panic. DON'T. Now laugh at yourself for being silly. Yes, silly. Wait, I don't CARE if I'm being silly. I'm wandering around the rooms holding back tears. Now I'm laughing at myself. Now I'm incredibly sad. Why the gamut of emotions? (I had to google how to spell gamut. Google IS better than Yahoo, and anyone who says otherwise is a tard).
What the hell is wrong with me?
Two weeks. Two weeks to fill my days with important stuff of life. Two weeks to realize I can be a human being on my own. (No wait! I can't! I don't know how!)

But right now, the important thing is to get through the moment. And then the next moment. Take a deep, calming breathe. Put on some music...no don't stiffen into panic at certain songs. Just relax, you will be okay, YOU WILL BE ALRIGHT NOW BREATHE DAMN IT!!!!
huuuuuuu.....
The truth of the matter is, I'm scared and alone. Yes there are moments of clarity; moments of the sun brilliantly shining rays in my life...but more often fog, fog rolling in everywhere, obscuring the future and granting me unease and jitters and an underlying sense of panic in my world....

Am I just scared to death of EVERYTHING? Gee whiz, Melanie gets that from me. How horrid.

pictures of the zoo

Click on picture for the full one.....






I'll post more tomorrow.

Pig hero saves the day

So today we went to the zoo. Four hours of exhausting walking around and looking at animals. But it was fun! We rode the train, something we've never done before...Ethan, age 3, is currently obsessed with all things relating to trains and firetrucks. He was having such a good time. We were waiting in line for the train and he tried to run out to it, and we grabbed him and scolded him thoroughly. He started crying hysterically, crying that he wanted to "ride the whain!" Anyway, we got him calmed down and then we got a train ride. He was so excited. As train rides go it was totally lame (for a grownup anyway).

Later on I got some excitement, as I lived out my secret desire to be a mini super hero and rescued a pig from certain death by cell phone.....the story starts out as we were looking at the pig--not sure what kind; it had small tusks.

Anyway, some lady dropped her cell phone in it's cage, and she and her friends were rather freaking out, saying "call a zoo worker!" and griping at each other. I replied, without much thought and with a longing to fulfill that need I have to help people, "I"ll get it!" as I hopped in the cage, grabbed her cell phone, and turned to hop out. The hopping in was easy, as there was a horizontal post two feet up I used to jump in with. Problem was, it was only on the outside! I had to swing my leg up pretty high to get it over the fence and get back out again. Justin asked me if I was crazy, saying "that pig could totally kick your ass you know!" My heart beating fast, I told him I was more worried about getting in trouble with the zoo people than the pig goring my leg. Anyway, it was an adventurous moment for a boring mom. Yippee. I am that hero!

Ramblings of an (un)accomplished life

Wow. I wrote last year and nothing since. Weird. How things change. I go through cycles as the years progress I think. I am pretty good now. I am pretty happy. I know things need to be better; my relationship with the Lord really needs more work. I am not nearly as in shape as I want to be. My house is a considerable wreck at the moment. I long to be super organized and a perfect housewife, and I'm not. But I'M okay. I want a million things to be done; I used to say I'd die before I could accomplish all of it. But I realize now at the ripe young (middle?) age of 29 that I will never finish all that I want to accomplish. I'll never do all the things I dream of doing. I won't ever be all I can be. And that's okay. I have a life here, with my husband and three kids and considerable busyness. There isn't really room for more. I'll never be a black belt at karate, I'll never start my own organizing business, I'll never be a counselor or PTA president; I'll never ride my bike across the U.S. or volunteer at the zoo. I might do one or two of these things in the course of my life, but definitely not all and probobly not many. And that's okay.

I am despondent

So what am I? Mother, dancer, cooker, cleaner, what? Here I am, on a saturday night, alone at home with my three kids. I am bored. I am sick of all of this; the never ending mounds of laundry, the house that gets messy over and over again. I want to be out doing things, exploring new paths, biking, running, being free, or at least temporarily experiencing the false sense of freedom. I love my family, don't get me wrong. I am just tired, disenchanted, apathetic, and discontented. Maybe tomorrow I will feel completely different. Maybe tomorrow I will feel my life is fulfilling, and that my time spent picking little scraps of paper off the floor and wiping numerous snotty noses is worth something.
Maybe.